Our Adoption Story, So Far...

So this is going to be a VERY long story. I want to tell it from the time we first decided we wanted try to begin our family together. So bear with me as I recount our experiences with infertility and the adoption process. I debated about whether to post all of this or just skim the bare minimum, but I feel like if I tell you the long version, that hopefully I can help others going through similar trials, and just help everyone become more educated and aware of what it is like for people to go through infertility and adoption. My heart goes out to you all and if you ever need advice or help, I am happy to give it.

OUR INFERTILITY STORY (Kind of long and sad, so skip it if you're not in the mood)

Ok, so my story really begins as a teenager. I always thought that the hardest thing anyone would ever have to deal with is not being able to have kids. I remember being really anxious about what my patriarchal blessing would say about having a family because deep down inside I think I really did know that this was going to be a challenge for me. So fast forward to our married life. Colby and I were happily married for 2 and 1/2 years and had just bought an older home that we fixed up and remodeled to live in when Colby came to me and said that he felt it was time to start trying to have a baby. (If you know Colby, you probably remember how scared he was to have kids, so this was like a big happy surprise for me.) I knew that we would begin trying soon, but I was so glad that it was Colby that first started the conversation, because then I knew he was ready. So of course, we tried and tried and tried. We were so anxious every month to see if this was going to be "the month" that it worked. We decided not to share with ANYONE that we were trying to have kids. We really wanted it to be a surprise when I got pregnant, but unfortunately that never happened. It was the hardest thing to deal with and not know if it was ever going to work for us. After trying for about 6 months I went to the doctor and she basically said, "Just keep trying and don't worry about it too much. The average time it takes for a couple to get pregnant is 7-8 months, so I will probably see you in a few months!" I was so mad after that appointment. I know the doctor was just trying to be positive, but it really made me angry because I think deep down inside I really knew it wasn't going to work. So basically I just had to keep trying until it had been one year. (They won't even really look at you until it has been that long.) About a month later I went to the temple and I remember feeling so down and frustrated and hoping to feel better. The minute I walked into the room I remember having the thought, "You should feel so lucky that you can adopt." I remember it as clear as day and I know that I was supposed to hear that. At first I kind of disregarded the thought and told myself that I don't need to worry about that yet. It really hadn't been that long, and it was going to work out for us. But, of course, we continued to face disappointment month after month. This was probably the hardest time for our marriage. We were both frustrated and anxious and upset. We fought, cried, doubted things, and it really was an ugly time. We still hadn't told anyone about our problem yet, so we only had each other. Looking back, I think it was a good thing not to tell everyone about what we were going through (as hard as it was to choke back tears secretly everytime anyone mentioned anything about kids or babies). We had to lean on each other for support and our relationship grew so much (blessing #1). So as we continued to try and try and try, I very casually began to mention the idea of adoption to Colby. At first he was completely against it and just said, "We don't need to worry about that. It is going to be just fine." But as we kept trying, I think he began to feel too that getting pregnant really might not work out after all. When it had been one year of trying with no success, I went to the doctor to get some answers. He started by checking me all out and he couldn't see any problems with me. He put me on fertility and I began to go in for follicle checks each month as we continued to try (this is what they do to make sure you're ovulating.) Every month I was ovulating just fine, but it still wasn't happening. So then we decided to have Colby tested at the U of U (Not the easiest thing for him to do in his life). When we got the results back, his score was just a little low, but not low enough that it shouldn't be working for us. So then our doctor suggested we try Artifical Insemination (AI). By the way, this is not the same thing as Invitro Fertilization (IVF), it is MUCH cheaper and a simpler procedure. So we went through 3 AI treatments and they didn't work, obviously. At this point of our story, we had a breaking moment when our families all found out what we had been going through. My younger sister Susan was pregnant with her 2nd and my sister-in-law Ashley was pregnant with her 3rd. Christmas day my other sister-in-law Capri announced to the family she was also pregnant with her 1st. Then of course everyone turned to us and said, "What's wrong with you guys? Aren't you ready yet?" and we just lost it. We didn't want it to happen that way, but we couldn't hold it in any longer so we broke down to our families and revealed it all. It was hard, but then we were able to have their love, support, and advice through the rest of this trial (blessing #2). Our next step was for me to have surgery to see if I had endometriosis. So we did that, and they didn't find anything wrong. The only thing they found, was that one of my tubes seemed to be a little blocked, but that shouldn't make it so that I couldn't get pregnant. About a month after surgery, my doctor I had been seeing for infertility died of a sudden heart attack. This was so sad and frustrating and it was just like really???? One more thing?!?!? So this was kind of like our turning point. It had now been two years and the new doctor I went to basically told us that there was much they could do for us now, and that we either needed to begin spending lot of money and consider IVF treatments, or adoption. (By the way, most insurances don't cover the cost of any infertility. It all comes out of your pocket. Just one more thing to add to your stress.) So we really began to get serious about adoption.

CHOOSING ADOPTION

After we had stewed with the idea of adoption, we went to the temple to watch Colby's sister Capri get her endowments taken out. We also went there with the hope that we would get some guidance or direction as to what we needed to do now. Amazingly enough, there happened to be a couple that lived in Colby's ward growing up that have adopted like 4 kids. They ended sitting straight across from us, and we knew it probably wasn't just a coincidence. That was the first little "sign" and then we both couldn't deny the spirit and the confirmation that adoption was our way we needed to build our family. So the process began. We first met with LDS family services in June of 2009. We were so excited and quickly began to get all of our paper work done. At this time we also decided to sell our home, and begin building our house we live in now. It was a very busy summer. Colby was heavily involved in everything with our home, and I was busy trying to get everything together for our adoption papers. After completing our background checks, homestudy, filling out all of our preferences and information, getting our profile together, we were approved and on the waiting list in October 2009. Then began the wait. We waited and waited and waited. It is so hard because you don't have a plan, you don't know when it will happen, how to prepare, and what to expect. In March we finally received our first email from a birthmother, and we also later talked with her over the phone, but she ended up having a miscarriage. Then we through another long period of waiting. We hit our year mark and still hadn't received any other emails or contacts from birthmothers. We had a few people tell about someone they had heard about that was pregnant and we would have them look at our profile, but no one ever ended up contacting us. So it began to be really frustrating once again and we really doubted that it would even end up happening.

CONSIDERING PRIVATE AGENCIES

After one family party this Christmas, I talked with my cousin that has adopted two little boys. I asked her for some advice and what we could be doing to get more contacts and get a baby. Somehow the conversation led to us considering the option of going through a different private agency instead of LDS. The biggest concern with going through a private agency is that on average it costs $20,000-$30,000 to get a baby (versus LDS which only requires that you pay 10% of your annual income). But because of some changes in tax credits you can now get, we began to seriously consider it. We talked with lots of different people, researched the agencies we felt good about and I even had one application all filled out and ready to send. We would have to take out a loan for some of the money and I was going to work full time to pay off that loan. We felt good and excited because the average wait time for a private agency is only like 6-8 weeks (versus LDS which has an average wait time of 2 years). So we decided to go to the temple once again to make sure this was the right thing to do. This time I went to the temple, I didn't get any answer at all. I remember feeling just so empty and plain and I was trying to help myself feel something that would tell me it was right. But it never came. I remember just sitting there crying and praying to my Heavenly Father that I just couldn't do it anymore. I was sick of this trial, I was angry, and I was done. The only thing that did stick out to me that day after leaving the temple was that I needed to listen to my husband and lean on him. When I told Colby that, he was nervous because now he felt like he needed to make the final decision. Colby drives to Provo, Salt Lake, and the Layton area for work each week selling and delivering products. So he has a lot of alone time to just "think". That next week he began to feel really stressed and sick to his stomach about going through a private agency. I just told him that he was just nervous about the money issue and that it would all work out, we just needed to have faith. EVERYONE told us not to worry about the money. It will just work. But Colby couldn't get past his feelings. So then we made our final decision. We weren't going to go through a private agency. It was a hard thing to do, because we felt like that was going to be the end of our long dark tunnel, but it just wasn't right. After making that decision, we really did feel a peace that everything would be fine. But I didn't really listen to everything Colby said. I also ordered 250 pass-along cards with our adoption information to help spread the word. (Colby felt we didn't need to do this, but I didn't listen to him. Now we have 250 adoption cards that I have no idea what I am going to do with. CHALK THAT UP TO A LEARNING EXPERIENCE!!) :)

THIS IS WHEN IT GETS GOOD

So about two weeks later, we received a phone call from our caseworker letting us know that there was a birthmother out there that was considering us. She said that she would let us know when she heard more. We didn't hear anything for another two weeks and finally I decided to call our caseworker because I couldn't handle the anticipation and not knowing what was going on. My caseworker said that this birthmother was getting very serious about us and was ready to put us on a soft hold (this is when they block your profile from anyone else seeing it, but you aren't officially chosen yet). The next day I found out who the birthmother was and the whole situation surrounding the adoption. I called Colby at work and told him about it all, and we felt really good about it. So we thought about it for a couple of days and then we went to the temple again. This time I was really nervous to go to the temple for fear that I might not get an answer again, or that we might not feel like this was right. But it was so so good. The spirit was so strong and my heart just pounded so hard that I knew this was the baby meant for us. We told our families about it the next day and we all fasted on Sunday for the situation. I called my caseworker on Monday and told her that we felt good about it and were ready. She said that we just had to wait now for the birthmother to make her final decision. Again, we waited another LONG week to hear anything. (later I learned that the birthmother had made her decision, but she wanted to surprise us somehow). That week Satan worked on us really hard. We began to doubt that it was going to work and we really thought she would changer her mind, or find another couple that she liked better. Also, the week before we got our first original phone call from the caseworker, we had signed up for a profile website that gives you more exposure to other birthmothers. This week we received 7 emails from birthmothers and birthfathers wanting to know more about us. This was very hard because we had just gone a year and a half with only one email, and now that we had a hopeful adoption about to work out, we just received 7 more emails! We didn't want to lose out on other opportunities, but we had to go off the faith that we felt this one was right. So after a week, Tuesday, March 29th our caseworker called me at lunch and said that our birthmother had a letter she wanted us to read before we met with her. (We knew we were going to meet her, but we thought that she would also be meeting with other couples she felt serious about and then make her final decision from there). Of course we over analyzed it and thought the worst. We thought she had probably changed her mind about us, and that she was writing to apologize. But thankfully, when our caseworker came, she had a letter and a basket full of baby stuff. We opened the letter and I read it out loud. Our birthmother told us in the letter that she had chosen us, and what had lead her to choose us to be the parents for her baby. She told us that she wanted a family that did things together outside, and who knew how to play. She also wanted a family that knew how to work, but didn't let work consume their life. She also wanted a family with similar personalities to her. (We found out later that Colby's favorite restaurant was her's too, and my favorite movie was also her's). She then proceeded to explain all of the things in the basket. She had picked out a few things from her that had special significance. One of which was a baby blanket she made (by the way, this will be the baby's favorite blanket). She also had her mom and dad and her two sisters pick out something to put in the basket that had special significance to them. SOOOOOO SPECIAL!!! Colby just balled as I read the letter and I was just so happy I couldn't stop smiling. We took pictures and then called our moms and the rest of our families to tell them the good news. This was the happiest day of my life. I was so touched by the things she wrote in the letter and I could really tell how much this baby meant to her and her family. I knew that this was a hard thing for them to do, but I also knew that they knew it was the right thing. Two days later, we were able to meet her and her parents. We met with just her for about an hour and then with her and her parents. It was such a good meeting. When we met with her, we each told our side of the story and how we came to this point and then she asked us some other fun questions. We just felt so comfortable and laughed and laughed together. It was so good. And then when we met with her parents, we had more good conversations. It was so spiritual and the spirit was so strong. Her parents were wonderful people with such good intent. I am so thankful for them in my life already. The birthmother is such a good person, with goals and a plan for her life. She already has a scholarship to go to college after the baby is born. We just feel so blessed to have such a wonderful birthfamily. We really couldn't ask for anything better. (Blessing #3) Another positive to this, is that our birthmother has invited us to go with her to her big 20 week ultrasound next week to find out what the baby is. YAY!!! This is going to be so exciting that we get to experience it with her. Her due date is not until Aug. 31st (actually I think they changed it to Sept. 1st). So this is our VERY LONG story. I am a little embarrassed about how much I wrote, but it was very theraputic for me. And hopefully it will help someone else out there. More than anything, our testimonies have been strengthened and we have learned so much. Going through this has been the hardest thing I have ever done (and I know I'm not done yet). But it has been SO worth it. I almost can't believe I am saying that.

THE END!

(And REALLY, the beginning)